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Your Healthy Dose of Laughsative

  *     Black holes were created when G-d divided Himself by 0.

 *     "If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe."  n      Carl Sagan

  *     Color... it's just a pigment of your imagination.

  *     Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

  *     Nature abhors a vacuum. So does my sister's dog.

  *     I like angles, but only to a degree.

 *     "That's the whole problem with science:   You've got a bunch of empiricists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder."  n      Calvin (& Hobbes)

 *     Black holes suck.

 *     The most important part of a microbiologist's job is not letting the little things get to him.

 *     "As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain. And as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality." n      Albert Einstein

 *     Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny yet measurable distance from the earth every year. If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface! This would explain the death of the dinosaurs... the tallest ones, anyway.

 *     If heat rises, why are mountains so fr*ggin' cold?

 *     To most people solutions mean finding the answers but to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up....

 *     All that glitters has a high refractive index.

 *     The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" but "That's funny...."' n      Isaac Asimov

 *     Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

 *     If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

 *     A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theory.

 *     Particle physicists are always trying to hold a meeting, but whenever they decide on a place, the time changes.

 *     Actually officer, if you factor in the earth's rotation, we were all speeding.

 *     On the seventh day, G-d created the platypus. And G-d said: let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.

 *     A red sign on the door of a physics professor: 'If this sign is blue, you're going too fast.'

 *     Entropy - it's a tough job, but somebody's got to undo it.

 *     It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

 *     If everything comes your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

 

*  Ten Guidelines to Enlightenment

 

By Swami Beyondananda

 

1.  Be a FUNdamentalist.  Ensure that the FUN always comes before the MENTAL.  Realize that life is a situation comedy that will never be cancelled.  A laugh track has been provided and the reason we are put in the material world is to get more material from that track.  Have a good laughsative twice a day, which will ensure regularity.  

 

2.  Remember that each of us has been given a special gift just for entering, so you are already a winner!

 

3.  The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision.  That's where I tell a vision to you and you tell a vision to me.  That way, if we don't like the programming we're getting, we can change the channel.

 

4.  Life is like photography -- you use the negative to develop.  No matter what adversity you face, be reassured:  of course God loves you. . .

 

5.  It is true:  as we go through life thinking heavy thoughts, thought particles tend to get caught between the ears and cause a condition called "truth decay."  Be sure to use mental floss twice a day, and when you're tempted to practice 'tantrum yoga', remember what we teach in the Swami's Absurdiveness Training Class:  don't get EVEN, get ODD.

 

6.   If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly live like nomads.  That's where I no mad at you and you no mad at me.  That way there will surely be nomadness on the planet.  Peace begins with each of us.  A little peace here, a little peace there.  Pretty soon all the peaces will fit together to make one big peace everywhere.

 

7.  I know, great earth changes have been predicted for the future, so if you're looking to avoid earthquakes, my advice is simple:  when you find a fault, don't dwell on it.

 

8.  There's no need to change the world.  All we have to do is toilet train the world and we'll never have to change it again.

 

9.  If you're looking for the key to the Universe, I've got some good news, and some bad news.  The bad news:  there is no key to the Universe.  The good news:  it was never locked.

 

10.  Finally, everything I've told you is 'channeled'.  That way, if you don't like it, it's not my fault.  But, remember:  enlightenment is not a bureaucracy, so you don't have to go through channels.

 

Copyright 2001, by Steve Bhaerman.  All rights reserved.  

 

To find out about the Swami's schedule on the "outernet," hire him for a performance, or buy his books or tapes, visit Swami's website at http://www.wakeuplaughing.com/